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 Posted:   Jun 12, 2007 - 2:32 PM   
 By:   Max Bellochio   (Member)

A topic about the almighty "What If" game. Some people do "Fantasy Baseball," while I do "Fantasy Bad Filmmaking."

I was thinking about these when I was cutting my toe nails last night.

ROGER C. CARMEL as KOLCHAK - THE NIGHT STALKER.

JAMES COCO, DOM DELUISE, BERT CONVY, STELLA STEVENS, ROBBIE BENSON, MIKE MAZURKI, WILLIAM SMITH in THE SOPRANOS (circa 1978)

REVENGE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES - (1979)- Starring Roddy McDowell, George Kennedy, Fred Williamson, Albert Salmi, Cliff Robertson, and Linda Day George.

STAR TREK V - THE FINAL FRONTIER (1989) William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Deforest Kelley, and Sean Connery as Sybok. (Actually, this almost happened for real. At least, until the writer's strike and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)

FRED WARD in REMO WILLIAMS 2001 - AN ACTION ODYSSEY (2001). Also starring Christopher Lloyd, Matt Craven, and Vanessa Williams.

ACTION JACKSON 2 - BUSTIN UP THE TOWN (1995) Carl Weathers, Pat Morita, Soon-Tek Oh, Brian Dennehy, Cindy Crawford, and Laurence Luckinbill.

RAID ON GRENADA - THE TWO HOUR WAR (1987)Richard Crenna, Stan Shaw, Ian Ziering, Billy Barty, and Linda Hunt.

THE SPIDERMAN - Jeremy Irons (as Peter Parker, what a goof)Kevin Spacey, Kelly Preston, Billy Dee Williams, and Sam Shepard

SPAWN - Samuel L Jackson, Robin Givens, Michael Rooker, C. Thomas Howell, Fred Savage, and Lori Petty

APOLLO 17 - (Story about an uneventful, sublime, final space launch of the Apollo program) Greg Kinnear, Sam Rockwell, Billy Crudup, Gary Oldman, Ilya Baskin, Cillian Murphy, Rachel McAdams)

After the huge success of POSEIDON, Wolfgang Peterson's follow-up Irwin Allen re-hash:

SWARM - James Franco, Dustin Hoffman, Laurence Fishburne, Michael Biehn, Helen Hunt, Steve Carell, Brittany Murphy, Justin Timberlake, Bridget Moynihan, Haley Joel Osment, Keith David, Harvey Keitel, Fred Ward, Sela Ward, and Richard Chamberlain

THE MONEY SHOT (2006) No introduction is needed for this Woody Allen comedy about two mob guys who enter the witness protection program via the British Porn industry!) James Gandolfini, Robert DeNiro, Paul Bettany, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Mira Sorvino, Rachel Leigh Cook, Minnie Driver, Zooey Deschanel, and Ron Jeremy)

YOUR GRAVE OR MINE (1993) Off-beat Comedy -based on a true story, directed by Andrew Bergman. A mediocre major league baseball player moonlights as a "grave digger" to make ends meet in the off season. Bruce Willis, Bill Paxton, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Frances Sternahgen, Max Von Sydow, Wilford Brimley, and Mary Louise Parker.

THE KIELBASA WAY - (1999) Two Polish spot-welders become international folk heroes when they build a kayak that circumnavigates the world without an outboard motor. Jim Carrey, Owen Wilson, Jeroen Krabbe, Edward Fox, Gabriel Byrne, and Mila Jovovich.

LIMEYTOWN - (2004) Much anticipated sequel to the off-beat hit "THE LIMEY" finds contract hitman Terence Stamp crossing paths with a stuttering London crime lord (played by Tom Wilkinson) who suffers from Alzheimer's disease. Rachel Weisz, Helen Mirren, Robbie Coltrane, and Kate Winslet are along for this forgetful journey.

EIGHT AND A HALF MINUTES (2001) Directed by Oliver Stone. The tragic story of the failed helicopter rescue attempt of the Tehran Embassy hostages in 1979. Johnny Depp, Kate Hudson, Samuel L. Jackson, Martin Sheen, Sharon Stone, Tommy Lee Jones, Vin Diesel, and Richard Belzer.

KILL OR BE KISSED - (2005) The world's most dangerous assassin, Jet Li, takes on his most challenging assignment: Protect two co-joined Siamese twin hotties from harm's way in Brooklyn during the New York City Marathon. Lindsay Lohan, James Franco, Peter Bogdonavich, and Chris Cooper.

ORANGEMAN - (1985) Patrick Swayze stars as the action comic book hero ORANGEMAN. After a routine recovery of a nuclear test missile off the coast of Florida, Seargent Brent Bentley discovers that he IS the citrus crusader after consuming a radiactive orange. Joel Gray, Lea Thompson, Jim Brown, Barry Bostwick, and Kelly Lynch irradiate the screen.

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 12, 2007 - 2:57 PM   
 By:   Donna   (Member)

FRIENDS: THE (PC) MOVIE -- Britney Spears, Sanjaya, Nicole Richie, Antonio Bandaras, Queen Latifah, Jackie Chan

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 12, 2007 - 3:01 PM   
 By:   Thor   (Member)

Wow, Max, that's one long toenail-clipping session!

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 12, 2007 - 3:19 PM   
 By:   Oblicno   (Member)

1980's version of - Judge Dredd - Directed by Charles Band - starring Tim Thomerson, Linea Quigley, Richard Moll, Nick Cassavetes, Michelle Bauer, George 'Buck' Flower. Special effects by The Chiodo Brothers. Score by Richard Band.

 
 Posted:   Jun 12, 2007 - 3:22 PM   
 By:   Max Bellochio   (Member)

1980's version of - Judge Dredd - Directed by Charles Band - starring Tim Thomerson, Linea Quigley, Richard Moll, Nick Cassavetes, Michelle Bauer, George 'Buck' Flower. Special effects by The Chiodo Brothers. Score by Richard Band.

Hoooooo...... smile

Now you're talking. This is what I mean.

MaxB

NP: Charles Chips container crushing under my buttox

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 12, 2007 - 3:24 PM   
 By:   Greg Bryant   (Member)

PAPILLON (remake) - starring Paris Hilton.

 
 Posted:   Jun 12, 2007 - 4:32 PM   
 By:   LeHah   (Member)

The Adventures Of Robin Hood - Ben Affleck, Paris Hilton & Dane Cook as Friar Tuck.

The Sheriff would have to be played by some excellent, underappreciated "heavy" like Malcolm McDowell, Timothy Dalton or Bob Hoskins - not only because they're amazing actors but because they're in so much sh*t these days.

Cinematography by Janusz Kaminski
Music by Milton Dellug

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 12, 2007 - 4:48 PM   
 By:   Oblicno   (Member)

Roger Corman's

ALIEN

Bradford Dillman - Dallas
Darlanne Fluegel - Ripley
Marc Singer - Ash
Robert Picardo - Kane
Dick Miller - Brett
Billy Blanks - Parker
Brinke Stevens - Lambert

Andre the Giant - The Alien

Music by: Wang Chung

Winner of 11 Academy Awards, including best motion picture made for under $500.

Actually i'd stand by half of my cast - it would be ace.

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 12, 2007 - 9:15 PM   
 By:   John B. Archibald   (Member)

I get it! This is a fantasy thread!

I thought it was about various casting announcements which, for one reason or another, never came to fruition, such as, at one point the Beatles were announced as the lead actors for a proposed film of THE LORD OF THE RINGS! (Truth!)

Or Calvin Culver, a gay porn star, announced as the lead in a proposed film version of Mary Renault's classic novel, THE KING MUST DIE, co-starring Maggie Smith, no less!

 
 Posted:   Jun 12, 2007 - 10:09 PM   
 By:   Max Bellochio   (Member)

IN A NUTSHELL (1995)
International wholesaler Pete Stemps (Tate Donovan) and FBI Agent Joe Szierno (Sean Patrick Leonard) stumble across a plot to flood the international market with millions of dollars worth of counterfeit Parker Brothers games. Sandra Bullock, Robert Pastorelli, Mary Mara, Dale Midkiff, and Jessica Lange

JUST CLONING AROUND (1988)
Steven Spielberg presents the last of his 80's canon of "kids-oriented" action films. Directed by Barry Levinson, young Josh (River Phoenix) is the timid high school geek nobody likes. An accident at his uncle's lab creates an exact clone of him - well, not exactly. The clone is smarter, funnier, stronger, and more "hip" than the geeky Josh. With a race againt time and pursuit by government agents, Josh must discover who he is before they do. Peter Weller, Winona Ryder, Orson Bean, Clancy Brown, and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio

EXCLAMATION POINT (1997)
A tormented writer (Guy Pearce), engaged to a narcissistic painter (Robin Wright Penn), falls in love with his fiancee's brother (Christian Slater), only to profess his love for the writer's mother (Susan Sarandon). Linda Hamilton, Abe Vigoda, Ben Kingsley, James Fox

STOP OR MY DAD WILL FART (1994)
Much anticipated sequel to STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT finds newly promoted Captain Bomowski (Sylvester Stallone) and long lost father (Pat Cooper) tracking down a schizophrenic preacher (Dennis Hopper) who threatens LA with poison bibles. Jobeth Williams, Ving Rhames, John Wesley Shipp.

MADCOW AND MRS. YIP (1978)
Based on a true story. A rug salesman from Columbus (Peter Falk) abandons his life in search of the perfect religion. Jill Clayburgh, Mark Hamill, Will Sampson, Marsha Mason, and Brad Dourif

BAD TRAVELING MUSIC (2002)
Down-on-their-luck and out of work New Jersey
friends Fred and Sal (Jon Favreau and Ethan Suplee) lament on each other's answering machines as each try to find his way in life. A chance encounter with their adult hero (Dr. Michael Baden) offers them a sobering reality and optimistic future. Drea De Matteo, Artie Lange, Kevin Smith, Tara Reid, and Frank Vincent

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 13, 2007 - 12:50 AM   
 By:   The_Mark_of_Score-O   (Member)

George W. Bush as te 43rd President of the United States (it's all just a bad dream, right?).

 
 Posted:   Jun 13, 2007 - 1:12 AM   
 By:   JJH   (Member)

yeah since we all know what a frickin' paradise the world was before he as president...

roll eyes

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 13, 2007 - 5:55 AM   
 By:   The_Mark_of_Score-O   (Member)

Paradise, no; relative justice, prosperity, peace and competence, a resounding yes.

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 13, 2007 - 8:38 AM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

QUANTUM OF SOLACE

Due to have been Bond 16, starring James Brolin as 007, with Pamela Anderson as Rhoda Llewellyn, Bruce Willis as Philip Masters, Philip Madoc as The Governor and Eric Idle as Bluefold, the power-crazed number one of international terror network Al Cluedo.

Dropped when someone pointed out that Americans may not know what the words "quantum", "solace" or "of" meant. Later surfaced, somewhat re-worked, as British sitcom "Very Little Comfort" starring Wendy Craig and that bloke that played the Admiral in Goldeneye.

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 13, 2007 - 8:45 AM   
 By:   Oblicno   (Member)

North Thread Hijack - remake of North Sea Hijack, but updated to the internet age.

A poster on an internet messageboard keeps hijacking innocent fun threads by bogging them down with his own political musings - this time about Oliver North. No-one cares, except Roger Moore, back in action, as he's just finished his PC FOR DUMMIES book, and his hot chocolate drink.

Also starring Michael Parks, and the sons of David Hemmings, and Richard Harris Music by John Scott. Directed by Franklin J. Schaffner.

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 13, 2007 - 9:24 AM   
 By:   Donna   (Member)

North Thread Hijack - remake of North Sea Hijack, but updated to the internet age.

A poster on an internet messageboard keeps hijacking innocent fun threads by bogging them down with his own political musings - this time about Oliver North. No-one cares, except Roger Moore, back in action, as he's just finished his PC FOR DUMMIES book, and his hot chocolate drink.

Also starring Michael Parks, and the sons of David Hemmings, and Richard Harris Music by John Scott. Directed by Franklin J. Schaffner.


Remade with a special "twist" by Oliver Stone. This time around, the hijacker totally makes up sh*t and then hijacks his own thread. Readers of the thread are interviewed throughout the movie and swear that there is a conspiracy to conceal the fact that there are at least three hijackers. (Side story involves providing "proof" that man did not walk on the moon....starring Michael Moore)

 
 Posted:   Jun 13, 2007 - 9:35 AM   
 By:   Max Bellochio   (Member)

HAWAII FIVE-O 2000 (1999)
Michael Mann's stylized direction of the Richard LaGravenese script sports veteran detective Steve McGarrett (Jeff Fahey) and competent team (Val Kilmer, Mark Wahlberg, Mykeleti Williamson, Wes Studi) as they unravel the identity of Wo-Fat (Chow Yun Fat) and his plot to contaminate the water supply in the western hemisphere. Michelle Yeoh, Bruce McGill, Wings Hauser, Giovani Ribisi, Bernard Hill, Kate Nelligan)

 
 Posted:   Jun 13, 2007 - 9:45 AM   
 By:   Max Bellochio   (Member)

Roger Corman's

ALIEN

Bradford Dillman - Dallas
Darlanne Fluegel - Ripley
Marc Singer - Ash
Robert Picardo - Kane
Dick Miller - Brett
Billy Blanks - Parker
Brinke Stevens - Lambert

Andre the Giant - The Alien

Music by: Wang Chung

Winner of 11 Academy Awards, including best motion picture made for under $500.

Actually i'd stand by half of my cast - it would be ace.


Good one.

For a moment there, I thought you were going to list: Music by James Horner.

What a more fitting beginning to the career than something like HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP.

 
 
 Posted:   Jun 13, 2007 - 9:51 AM   
 By:   Oblicno   (Member)

Due to producers meddling with my vision, i have now replaced Wang Chung with James Horner - a dashing young musical upstart.

Mr Wang and Mr. Chung have taken their dismissal gracefully. They aim to sue.

 
 Posted:   Jun 13, 2007 - 10:10 AM   
 By:   Max Bellochio   (Member)

Due to producers meddling with my vision, i have now replaced Wang Chung with James Horner - a dashing young musical upstart.

Mr Wang and Mr. Chung have taken their dismissal gracefully. They aim to sue.


Funny. smile

For a moment there, I thought you meant Gary Chang.

What a name that would be:

Gary Wang Chung Chang

MaxB

NP: Brake pad grinding from a 1974 Chevelle

 
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