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Posted: |
Mar 12, 2012 - 8:28 AM
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By: |
madmovyman
(Member)
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A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"Oh, they'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived, and, with therapy, might even walk again.
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Posted: |
Mar 13, 2012 - 9:38 AM
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By: |
madmovyman
(Member)
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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.
While the man is calmly enjoying his brew, the monkey becomes agitated, jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
The guy replies, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table!" says the bartender!
"Well, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's back at the bar with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again, grabs a maraschino cherry from the bar tray, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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Posted: |
Mar 15, 2012 - 11:45 AM
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By: |
madmovyman
(Member)
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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and complains that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me what you mean."
So, she takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
Then she pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor asks, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
"No, I'm actually a blonde," she replies.
"I thought so," says the doctor. "Your finger is broken."
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Posted: |
Apr 24, 2012 - 9:32 AM
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By: |
madmovyman
(Member)
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John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather living on a backwoods farm.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning the old man served a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, sonny!"
For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, city boy, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and, as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
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A woman walks into Baskin-Robbins and says "I'd like 3 scoops of chocolate on a cone". The clerk says "I apologize, miss, but we're totally out of chocolate and the truck hasn't arrived yet." So she says "That's alright....give me a chocolate milkshake". He again responds " Mam, I told you we're out of chocolate". So she says " That's alright....give me a chocolate hot fudge sundae with chocolate syrup". So he says "Lady...do you see the flavor list on the wall there?"
She says "Yeah"
He says "Do you see the word 'van' in vanilla?"
She says "yeah"
He says "do you see the word 'straw' in strawberry?"
She says "yes I do"
He says "do you see the word 'fuck' in chocolate?"
She replies "there ain't no 'fuck' in chocolate!"
and he yells "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YA!!"
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Posted: |
Jun 16, 2012 - 8:11 PM
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By: |
Mike_J
(Member)
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(With apologies in advance to Storyteller, who I know will be offended by this, the sickest but funniest joke I know).
During the Serbian/ Croatian war, two Serbian soldiers, Vlad and Erik, are sitting around a campfire when Vlad announces to his friend that he is so horny he has to go to the nearest villageto find a Croatian lady to satisyhis needs.
The next morning Vlad returns looking very, very satisfied.
"So, my friend, did you find a lady?" Erik asks.
"Oh yes" replies Vlad. "Not just any lady bit a lady with beautiful breasts and amazing long legs".
"You had ze sex then, my friend?" enquires Erik.
"Ya, the best sex ever. Every position, every hole, she was amazing" Vlad says with a grin.
"And so, zis lady... did she give you ze blow job?" Erik asks.
"Oh no" Vlad responds.
"How come?" asks Erik, puzzled.
"She didnt have a head" says Vlad.
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I guess it is safe to say that anything goes on this board unless it is politics.
That would be a wrong assumption.
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