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 Posted:   Jul 10, 2012 - 1:07 PM   
 By:   Kev McGann   (Member)

A guy is off on vacation and leaves his friend to look after his cat. He also asks his mate to check on his elderly mum while he is away.
One day he calls up his friend to check on how things are.
"Your cat's dead. It fell of the roof and snuffed it". His friend says.
"What sort of way is that to break bad news to me? You should dress it up in a nice way. You should have said, the cat was having a wonderful time on the roof, chasing birds and really being very happy when sadly he slipped and sadly passed away, his last memory being a happy one. THAT is how you break bad news".
"Oh, right. Ok" says his friend.
"Anyway" the guy asks "how is my mum?" the guy asks.
His friend pauses for a while, clears his throat and says.......
"well..... she was on the roof, chasing birds............."
--------------------------------
Hey Mike, you stole that off the guy climbing the rock in CAPRICORN ONE! wink

 
 Posted:   Jul 10, 2012 - 3:26 PM   
 By:   Mike_J   (Member)

A guy is off on vacation and leaves his friend to look after his cat. He also asks his mate to check on his elderly mum while he is away.
One day he calls up his friend to check on how things are.
"Your cat's dead. It fell of the roof and snuffed it". His friend says.
"What sort of way is that to break bad news to me? You should dress it up in a nice way. You should have said, the cat was having a wonderful time on the roof, chasing birds and really being very happy when sadly he slipped and sadly passed away, his last memory being a happy one. THAT is how you break bad news".
"Oh, right. Ok" says his friend.
"Anyway" the guy asks "how is my mum?" the guy asks.
His friend pauses for a while, clears his throat and says.......
"well..... she was on the roof, chasing birds............."
--------------------------------
Hey Mike, you stole that off the guy climbing the rock in CAPRICORN ONE! wink


Kev, well done! You're the only person to have spotted that! Great movie witha cracking score. Peter Hyams used to be such a terrific director.

 
 Posted:   Jul 10, 2012 - 6:01 PM   
 By:   losher22   (Member)

A woman walks into Baskin-Robbins and says "I'd like 3 scoops of chocolate on a cone". The clerk says "I apologize, miss, but we're totally out of chocolate and the truck hasn't arrived yet." So she says "That's alright....give me a chocolate milkshake". He again responds " Mam, I told you we're out of chocolate". So she says " That's alright....give me a chocolate hot fudge sundae with chocolate syrup". So he says "Lady...do you see the flavor list on the wall there?"
She says "Yeah"
He says "Do you see the word 'van' in vanilla?"
She says "yeah"
He says "do you see the word 'straw' in strawberry?"
She says "yes I do"
He says "do you see the word 'fuck' in chocolate?"
She replies "there ain't no 'fuck' in chocolate!"
and he yells "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YA!!"




I love this one, a true classic! Last time I heard it was on a radio show where the "chocolate" was replaced by "french fries" in a fast food drive-thru, and the clerk was replaced with the voice of Jack Nicholson.

 
 Posted:   Jul 10, 2012 - 6:03 PM   
 By:   losher22   (Member)

Here's a simple one:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender comes over and says, "Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?" To which the grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"

And another simple one, though far more offensive:

What's the difference between a washing machine and a one-night stand?

A washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you drop a load into it.

 
 
 Posted:   Jul 16, 2012 - 5:03 AM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

I read a book all about anti-gravity the other day. I couldn't put it down.

 
 Posted:   Jul 16, 2012 - 5:38 AM   
 By:   Charles Thaxton   (Member)

So the blonde calls her friend and says "OMG!!! I just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took three months. It said on the box "3 to 5 years"!"


 
 
 Posted:   Jul 27, 2012 - 12:28 AM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

.

 
 
 Posted:   Jul 27, 2012 - 12:28 AM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)

I've just been diagnosed with sausageophobia.

I fear the wurst.

 
 Posted:   Jul 27, 2012 - 8:52 AM   
 By:   Recordman   (Member)

The hunting party was slowly meandering through a dark African jungle. All of a sudden loud jungle drums started to pound relentlessly from all points surrounding them. The baggage carriers screamed, threw down their packages and weapons and cowered, shaking by the trees.

"What's the matter? What are you afraid of? It's just drums!", the main man from the hunting party shouted.

"Yes," one of the baggage carriers shouted, "but when drums stop... bass solo begins!"



----------------------------
[old musician's joke]

 
 
 Posted:   Jul 27, 2012 - 10:14 AM   
 By:   Doc Loch   (Member)

A guy shows up at a costume party wearing regular clothes and carrying a woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be?" the host asks.

"I'm a tortoise," the man replies.

"A tortoise? Well, who's that woman on your back?

"Oh," the man says. "That's Michelle."

 
 
 Posted:   Jul 29, 2012 - 9:24 PM   
 By:   dan the man   (Member)

an ad line for a movie- don't disturb Ellen, she already is.

 
 Posted:   Sep 9, 2012 - 1:37 PM   
 By:   Adam B.   (Member)

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night and I asked if I could see a newspaper.

"This is the 21st Century old man. We don't read newspapers anymore. Here, you can borrow my IPad" he said.

I tell ya, that freakin' fly never knew what hit it.

 
 Posted:   Sep 9, 2012 - 2:45 PM   
 By:   Eric Paddon   (Member)

"There was a shipwreck at the ballpark!"

"How could that happen?"

"The guy on the radio said Derek Jeter drove a liner into right field!"

 
 
 Posted:   Sep 9, 2012 - 8:36 PM   
 By:   dan the man   (Member)

What does rush hour traffic in a big city and a drive-in have in common---------you sit for hours in a car that does not move.

 
 Posted:   Oct 19, 2012 - 5:09 AM   
 By:   Adam B.   (Member)

A frantic man dialed 911 and shouted into the phone....

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asked the doctor.

"No!' he shouts, "This is her husband!"

 
 
 Posted:   Oct 19, 2012 - 10:07 AM   
 By:   manderley   (Member)

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night and I asked if I could see a newspaper.

"This is the 21st Century old man. We don't read newspapers anymore. Here, you can borrow my IPad" he said.

I tell ya, that freakin' fly never knew what hit it.




OR......

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night and I asked if I could see a newspaper.

"This is the 21st Century old man. We don't read newspapers anymore. Here, you can borrow my IPad" he said.

I had to throw it out after their new puppy pooped all over it......



OR.....

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night and I asked if I could see a newspaper.

"This is the 21st Century old man. We don't read newspapers anymore. Here, you can borrow my IPad" he said.

Now they can't get the fish and chips smell out of it......

 
 Posted:   Oct 22, 2012 - 5:19 PM   
 By:   Adam B.   (Member)

Women always maintain that giving birth is much more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

I beg to differ.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child."

You never hear a guy say "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed.

 
 Posted:   Oct 22, 2012 - 9:10 PM   
 By:   losher22   (Member)

Women always maintain that giving birth is much more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

I beg to differ.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child."

You never hear a guy say "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed.


Loved this one, thanks Adam! Reminds me of that quip to make around women in labor, sure to prompt a kick in the nuts, by the way, where you stub your toe on the hospital bed and say something like, "Oh God! I've never been in such pain!"

 
 Posted:   Nov 1, 2012 - 5:18 PM   
 By:   Adam B.   (Member)

IKEA is getting into selling cars. Battery not included.

 
 Posted:   Nov 2, 2012 - 1:09 AM   
 By:   Mike_J   (Member)

What do you call a Frenchman who has been mauled by a bear?





Claude.

 
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