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Q. Why won't Jewish women wear colostomy bags?
A. Can't find shoes to match.
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a naked woman runs into church.
the priest see her and stops her.
she say's "how dare you stop me! i have a diven right". Father then answer"s "well your left not to ether but you still cannot enter"
what do guys mean "booooooo,hissssss"
This one is screaming for a rewrite, dogbelle.
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Ah, I'm not sure I get this yet...
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Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,"It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them." The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning, sister," said the pharmacist.
"What can I do for you today?"
"I'd like some condoms, please," said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
"How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box."
"I'll take six boxes - that should last about a week," she replied.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like - we have large, extra large, and big liar size."
The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel."
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Posted: |
May 6, 2010 - 2:17 PM
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By: |
LeHah
(Member)
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Dave goes to the bar one day after having a bad day. He has a few drinks and a really drunk guy sits down next to him. After a talk, the drunk guy says to Dave "I bet you $500 that I can jump off the roof of this building and land on my feet without breaking a bone in my body."
Dave looks at him like he's nuts but takes him up on the bet. So they both go up to the roof of the building which is five stories up. The guy looks over the side, makes a leap and sure as shit - lands on the ground, feet first without breaking a bone.
Impressed and full of alcohol, Dave decides to make the jump too and gets a running start, leaps and hits the pavement full force, breaking all four limbs with an agonizing wet snap.
The guy walks up to Dave, goes into his pockets, takes all the cash out of the wallet and goes to walk away.
As the ambulance pulls up, the bartender comes out side to see the guy walking away. "You sure are an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
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Ah, a joke thread! A wonderful opportunity for me to fine-tune my copypasta skills...
An ugly guy walks into the bar and orders a Draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man.
'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home from the bar last night,
I noticed a young woman tied To the tracks,
just like in the films. I, of course, went and
cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house.
We did everything! Me on top,
Sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender.
'Was she Pretty?'
'Dunno...Never Found the Head!
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Pat and Mick are walking along the street and Pat picks up a shit and says "Look Mick I nearly stood on that".
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a french roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another french roll up my arse!".
Three bodies in a morgue, each one has a smile on their face. The coroner has never seen this before and asks the policeman that brought them in to explain why they are smiling. "Well" says the copper, "the first man is Billy
Williams from england, 60 years old. He died having sex with his mistress,hence the smile on his face". The coroner agrees. The second man is Jock McAndrews from Scotland, 36 years old. He won £1,000 on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. He died of alcoholic poisoning, hence the smile on his face". The coroner agrees. "The last man" says the copper "is Paddy Murphy from Ireland, 30 years old. He got struck by lightening". The coroner is surprised and says to the coppper "thats not a good way to die, why is he smiling?" and the policeman replies "well, he thought he was having his photo taken".
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