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 Posted:   May 20, 2009 - 8:35 PM   
 By:   Eugene Iemola   (Member)

Q. Why won't Jewish women wear colostomy bags?



A. Can't find shoes to match.

 
 Posted:   May 20, 2009 - 8:37 PM   
 By:   Josh Mitchell   (Member)

The English teacher asks the class if any of them can define the word "Indefinitly"

Little Johnny waves his hand so long and enthusiastcally that the teacher says, "Alright, Johnny, please share with the class".

Little Johhny stands up smiling and says,

INDEFINITLY- "when your b-lls are slapping her a--, you're INDEFINITLY! big grin



Almost 24 hours later and I STILL don't get it.

EDIT: Nevermind, I knew as soon as I posted that it would dawn on me, and I finally just got it.

 
 Posted:   May 20, 2009 - 8:59 PM   
 By:   Josh Mitchell   (Member)

Who was the pirate's favorite basketball player?

Kareem Abdul JabAARRRGGGHHH!!!


razz

 
 Posted:   May 20, 2009 - 9:23 PM   
 By:   BasilFSM   (Member)

Who was the pirate's favorite basketball player?

Kareem Abdul JabAARRRGGGHHH!!!


Why did the pirates go see the movie?

Because it was rated ARRRRRR!!!!

 
 Posted:   May 20, 2009 - 9:31 PM   
 By:   Steve Johnson   (Member)

The English teacher asks the class if any of them can define the word "Indefinitly"

Little Johnny waves his hand so long and enthusiastcally that the teacher says, "Alright, Johnny, please share with the class".

Little Johhny stands up smiling and says,

INDEFINITLY- "when your b-lls are slapping her a--, you're INDEFINITLY! big grin



Almost 24 hours later and I STILL don't get it.

EDIT: Nevermind, I knew as soon as I posted that it would dawn on me, and I finally just got it.


Ding! Ding! DING! The little lightbulb finally went off! big grin

 
 Posted:   May 20, 2009 - 9:47 PM   
 By:   Josh Mitchell   (Member)

Who was the pirate's favorite basketball player?

Kareem Abdul JabAARRRGGGHHH!!!


Why did the pirates go see the movie?

Because it was rated ARRRRRR!!!!



What has eight legs, eight hands, and eight eyes?

Eight pirates

 
 Posted:   May 20, 2009 - 9:54 PM   
 By:   Josh Mitchell   (Member)

I went shopping the other day to buy some camouflage pants but I couldn't find any.

 
 
 Posted:   May 30, 2009 - 7:10 AM   
 By:   daylights   (Member)

A guy comes home from the pub and tells his wife that his friend had told him about a sexual position that he and his wife like to mess about with.
What is it? She asks.
Well, it's called the wheelbarrow.
How does that work?
Well we get undressed and you lie face down on the floor. I lift your legs up and open, walk forward and slide in. Then we go for it. What do you think?
Well OK, she says, as long as you don't walk me passed my mam and dad's house.

Regards,
daylights

 
 Posted:   Jun 1, 2009 - 1:28 PM   
 By:   DOGBELLE   (Member)

A naked woman runs into church.
The priest sees her and stops her.
She say's "how dare you stop me! I have a divine right". Father then answers "well you’re left not to ether but you still cannot enter"


what do guys mean "booooooo,hissssss"

 
 Posted:   Jun 1, 2009 - 4:14 PM   
 By:   workingwithknives   (Member)

a naked woman runs into church.
the priest see her and stops her.
she say's "how dare you stop me! i have a diven right". Father then answer"s "well your left not to ether but you still cannot enter"


what do guys mean "booooooo,hissssss"


This one is screaming for a rewrite, dogbelle.

smile

 
 Posted:   Jun 1, 2009 - 4:39 PM   
 By:   DOGBELLE   (Member)

This one is screaming for a rewrite, dogbelle.

smile
OK THANKS
i did an edit on it.
i think i fixed it.
were's a good proof reader when you need one?

 
 Posted:   Jun 1, 2009 - 4:43 PM   
 By:   Steve Johnson   (Member)

Ah, I'm not sure I get this yet...

 
 Posted:   Apr 6, 2010 - 8:29 AM   
 By:   johnjohnson   (Member)

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,"It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them." The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning, sister," said the pharmacist.

"What can I do for you today?"

"I'd like some condoms, please," said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

"How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box."

"I'll take six boxes - that should last about a week," she replied.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like - we have large, extra large, and big liar size."

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel."

 
 Posted:   May 6, 2010 - 1:02 PM   
 By:   Adam B.   (Member)

What's the definition of Endless Love?

Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

 
 Posted:   May 6, 2010 - 1:17 PM   
 By:   LeHah   (Member)

Dave goes to the bar one day after having a bad day. He has a few drinks and a really drunk guy sits down next to him. After a talk, the drunk guy says to Dave "I bet you $500 that I can jump off the roof of this building and land on my feet without breaking a bone in my body."

Dave looks at him like he's nuts but takes him up on the bet. So they both go up to the roof of the building which is five stories up. The guy looks over the side, makes a leap and sure as shit - lands on the ground, feet first without breaking a bone.

Impressed and full of alcohol, Dave decides to make the jump too and gets a running start, leaps and hits the pavement full force, breaking all four limbs with an agonizing wet snap.

The guy walks up to Dave, goes into his pockets, takes all the cash out of the wallet and goes to walk away.

As the ambulance pulls up, the bartender comes out side to see the guy walking away. "You sure are an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

 
 
 Posted:   May 8, 2010 - 1:17 AM   
 By:   mulan98   (Member)

Some funny gags in this thread.

Has anyone got any jokes relating to 'Going to the cinema' or movies in general?

 
 
 Posted:   May 8, 2010 - 3:40 AM   
 By:   Suicide is imminent   (Member)

Ah, a joke thread! A wonderful opportunity for me to fine-tune my copypasta skills...




An ugly guy walks into the bar and orders a Draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man.
'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home from the bar last night,
I noticed a young woman tied To the tracks,
just like in the films. I, of course, went and
cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house.
We did everything! Me on top,
Sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender.
'Was she Pretty?'

'Dunno...Never Found the Head!




A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"




Pat and Mick are walking along the street and Pat picks up a shit and says "Look Mick I nearly stood on that".





A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a french roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another french roll up my arse!".





Three bodies in a morgue, each one has a smile on their face. The coroner has never seen this before and asks the policeman that brought them in to explain why they are smiling. "Well" says the copper, "the first man is Billy
Williams from england, 60 years old. He died having sex with his mistress,hence the smile on his face". The coroner agrees. The second man is Jock McAndrews from Scotland, 36 years old. He won £1,000 on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. He died of alcoholic poisoning, hence the smile on his face". The coroner agrees. "The last man" says the copper "is Paddy Murphy from Ireland, 30 years old. He got struck by lightening". The coroner is surprised and says to the coppper "thats not a good way to die, why is he smiling?" and the policeman replies "well, he thought he was having his photo taken".

 
 
 Posted:   May 10, 2010 - 8:24 AM   
 By:   Octoberman   (Member)

If you know it, please hold your groans until I'm done.


Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
-Philip Glass

 
 
 Posted:   May 10, 2010 - 9:08 AM   
 By:   Tall Guy   (Member)



Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
-Philip Glass


Heh heh - like it!

 
 Posted:   May 10, 2010 - 4:37 PM   
 By:   DOGBELLE   (Member)


what do you a call a Japannes prize fighter
who father has diarrhea and plays dice all day?



give up?

ok times up

He's a slap happy jappy with a crap happy papyy.

I know,i know
it's back to the dog house.

 
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