 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
Posted: |
Jan 10, 2014 - 8:05 AM
|
|
|
|
By: |
Mr Greg
(Member)
|
Haha - love it....kind of related (but specifically directed at our US friends), this is doing the rounds on Facebook once more...:
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
'Now lookee here ... Don't you go round insulting my friend David (Niven) with your goddamned COCKS ONLY!'
.................... Humphrey Bogart ('Bring On the Empty Horses').
|
|
|
|
|
|
It is tongue in cheek of course, however I just found it a bit condescending in tone. Maybe I'm just a bit starchy these days...
It's meant to be double-pronged Thomas. As much a dig at the UK as at the US.
It's a pity it's been resurrected on Fakbok just now though, as far as paragraph 1 goes. Poor old Barack's doing his best.
NO POLITICAL DIALOGUE ALLOWED.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
- Make the terminally bogus claim that you have a genetic disposition for humour which is superior also.
Did you hear the one about the Englishman, the American and the Dutchman?
- Accuse others of being fat whilst being pudgy yourself at best.
Hey, that's recent. It's because the UK adopted all that MacDonald's and junkfood!
- Fetishise football while there are infinite amounts of better things to do.
One of those might be actually PLAYING the game ...
- Fetishise cooking programs whilst not being able to cook anything tasteful or healthy.
Don't you know? People are obsessed by what they DON'T HAVE, not what they have. I'll grant you there are too many cookery shows: it's coz they're cheap to make!
- Claim you are the only one who knows good quality tea whilst industrial sewage would be an improvement.
Now look here. Tea is good.
- The lie that "Top gear" is entertainment.
Sometimes it is. Sometimes Jeremy Clarkson makes jokes about Dutch people.
- Go on about how you were so great in the 60s.
Maybe. That 'revolution' still hasn't borne its full fruit, and some of it might be sour.
- Keep producing TV shows that are set in the 1900 - 1920 and that's supposedly not visuals over content because that's something "the others" do but "not us"
Nah ... it's usually the 1820s and Jane Austen repeatedly. Either that or stupid crime shows involving coroners.
- Get to work late and stop early.
Very civilised. The right attitude.
- Put down everything you really can't answer or explain to tradition.
What, like Santa Claus and the Coca Cola company?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: The original posting
That's very intimidating. I try to say what I mean and not use buzz words or phrases that may, taken verbatim, say one thing but mean something else.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
edwzoomom: Re: "By the way, do you reside in Colorado?"
Do you ask that because you think that dan sounds like he's high? (We KNOW what's newly legal in Colorado!)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
