Volume 1, Number 34

 

“Like the sound of fingernails on a blackboard”, “sounds like a cow with its hoof stuck in the mud”, “makes my ears bleed”, these are just some of the things said about certain musical instruments that have sound qualities that many think, shall we say, are less than ideal. Now any instrument can sound pretty horrible depending on how it’s played, but some instruments are derided for their inherent sound and no playing skills, no matter how highly developed, seem to make a difference. I’ve chosen to look at a few that can be considered dangerous weapons as much as musical instruments.

 

 

Possibly the number one threat on most people’s list of deadly acoustic delivery systems is the long suffering bagpipe. There are many types of bagpipes from the highland variety of Scotland to uilleann pipes of Ireland and many more from across the world, but regardless of origin, this airbag of death and destruction threatens many the world over.

 

The main focus of fear in the bagpipe world is the highland bagpipe. Designed to accompany battles on the open grassy hills and moors of Scotland, this instrument was meant for outdoor usage only. There is no volume control and the squally out of tune notes of the chanter abetted by the never ending sound of the drones may work fine in the heat of battle, however taking them indoors is tantamount to bringing in an automatic rifle with a faulty safety and a hair trigger, it’s a risk best not taken. All buildings with warning signs at the entrances should add the highland bagpipe to the list of items strictly prohibited along with firearms, knives and explosives.

 

 

“Lady of Spain”: Does this phrase send chills down your spine? If so you may be suffering from bellowsaphobia which is an unnatural fear of the accordion. It’s probably one of  the least loved of all instruments these days. How it got that reputation I don’t really know as the sound is not offensive, but I suspect Lawrence Welk may have had something to do with it.

 

The accordion is the Rodney Dangerfield of musical instruments getting no respect and has become more of a punch line for jokes and a cliché of musical banality than a musical instrument. The depth to which the dignity of this instrument has fallen can be summed up by the following joke: Q. What’s the definition of optimism? A. An accordion player with a business card (or alternatively, a pager).

 

 

This aboriginal Australian instrument, while not having a piercing, in your face sound, is an instrument that is perhaps just too odd for most to embrace. Although it may sound at times like a pig grunting through a cardboard tube left over from holiday gift wrapping paper affixed to its snout, the danger does not really lie in the sound itself. Rather the danger may come from a player taking offense if he sees you put your hands over your ears while he is playing. He may then feel inclined to take this mighty stick of an instrument and wielding it like a sword, smack you right up the side of your critical little head. So beware.

 

 

 

First off, I have to say I don’t like country music at all. When I hear it I swear my I.Q. lowers immediately and I feel the compulsion to buy a beer to cry into, but hey that’s just me. For that reason I have chosen the steel guitar as my own personal instrumental purveyor of pain. With its six strings (sometimes 8 or more) akin to the bullets in a standard hand gun and the slide the trigger, this weapon can assault me like no other. From the moment I’m threatened with its excruciatingly painful sliding sound, I head for cover, eventually running out of the room in a total panic.

 

There is one good thing about the steel guitar, and that is it’s electric. So if I ever find myself backed into the corner of a dark alley, trapped by a steel guitar toting madman, I can always leap forward and disarm him by unplugging its extension cord from the outlet that has so mercilessly given it the power to cause me undue harm. At that point I can bolt from the alley unscathed into the glorious golden light of day.

 

 

OK, there are many instruments that people don’t like the sound of and it really comes down to personal taste. Add to that the fact that many ethnic instruments may not be accessible to people not familiar with them or the culture they come from making them just too strange sounding to their ears. I just picked a few of the more obviously fun instruments to mess with and ran with it. No malice was intended to any players or lovers of these instruments!

 

I actually don’t have any real problems with the instruments I riffed on, well except the steel guitar, that one affects me as written. In fact I like the highland bagpipes, love the uilleann pipes and have a number of Celtic music recordings containing some fantastic playing by some very skilled pipers. I owned a set of uilleann pipes myself at one time and quickly gave them up when I found out how hard it was going to be to learn to play this difficult instrument (and make the reeds), let alone master it. My hats off to those who can play it well!

 

Also, although not exactly a favorite of mine, the accordion also boasts some fine players, two that readily come to mind. One is our film score world’s own Dominic Frontiere who is also a jazz accordion legend. Second is Dick “Daddy-O” Contino, an accordion virtuoso who is still playing publicly to this day.

So as Sergeant Esterhaus from Hill Street Blues might say, “Be careful out there, there might be some dangerous instruments waiting to cause you harm at a moments notice.”

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                                                Epilogue

                   The place for quotes, trivia, links, etc.