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what do you a call a Japannes prize fighter
who father has diarrhea and plays dice all day?
give up?
ok times up
He's a slap happy jappy with a crap happy papyy.
I know,i know
it's back to the dog house.
That reminds me of a joke I heard in grade school about this guy at a Drive-In movie who orders a soda but has to go back to his car for his wallet. He takes a sip after he returns and pays and spits it out, madder than hell.
The guy behind the counter laughs and squeals, "Me Chinese, me play joke! Me go wee wee in your Coke!"
Hey, that was funny when I was 9.
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A dyslexic walks into a bra...
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A teacher took a class of first-grade students to a racetrack on a field trip. Seeing one boy squirming, she led him into the bathroom and started to help him unzip his pants. Astonished at what she saw when the job was done, she asked "Are you in the first?" The kid answered, "No, I'm riding Black Bart in the fifth."
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Here's one:
What do you call an actor or actress who puffs on a cigarette?
A smoked ham.
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Posted: |
Apr 7, 2011 - 8:57 PM
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By: |
TominAtl
(Member)
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Little Big Horn
The curators of a famous art gallery approached a world famous artist, asking him to do the "Ultimate" painting of Custers Last Stand.
"We want something unique and glorious. Something that's never been done before! Can you do it?" The artist took their challenge and went to work immediately and did so for weeks.
When the time for the great unveiling came, the curators held a huge exhibit in the artist's honor. The painting itself was huge but veiled under a huge cloth sheet. No one had seen it but of course the artist. And after much pomp and circustance, the veil was removed and was thrown to the floor.
The audience gasped.
The painting showed the rolling hills of Little Big Horn. And on the hills were American Indians, thousand upon thousands of them, men and women. They covered the entire landscape.
And they were having sex. In every conceivable position they were "doing it". But then, up above them, looking down on them from the sky, was a giant cow. The cow was sitting in a large chair like a throne, and had a halo hanging above its head.
And standing next to the cow, looking up to it in wonder and amazement to it, with his hands stretched out and his golden hair flowing across his shoulders, was General George Custer. He was dressed splendidly, looking up at the huge bovine with his mouth agape in under wonder and amazement
The curators and crowd just stared the painting for the longest time, utterly aghast and confused. Finally, one of the curators came up to the aritst and asked incredulously, "What is this? What does this painting mean? I don't understand!!!!"
The artist, looking puzzled, shot back at the curator. "You asked for the ultimate painting representing the Battle of Little Big Horn! And so I gave you it. It represents the very last thoughts of General George Armstrong Custer!"
"Holy Cow, look at all the fucking Indians!"
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Posted: |
Apr 8, 2011 - 7:16 AM
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By: |
Rick15
(Member)
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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of$72,000
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied:
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
'Where are your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam '.
Boom BOOM!!
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How about the one about the kid who goes to the police station, beside himself with fear, balling his head off? The cop behind the desk calms him down and finally gets the lad to tell him what's wrong. "My parents are going to leave me behind! They're going someplace without me!"
The cop asks him what gave him this notion.
"I was walking past their bedroom this morning and the door was shut. I heard all this commotion and finally daddy yelled, "I'm pulling out!" and mommy screamed, "I'm coming, too!"
HA ha! A classic. 
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The English teacher asks the class if any of them can define the word "Indefinitly"
Little Johnny waves his hand so long and enthusiastcally that the teacher says, "Alright, Johnny, please share with the class".
Little Johhny stands up smiling and says,
INDEFINITLY- "when your balls are slapping her ass, you're INDEFINITLY!
Ha haw! Another classic!
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One of MY favorites!
A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of whiskey. She says it's for the Mother Superior's constipation, so the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves. Two hours later, the owner closes the liquor store for the night, and walks through the park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun sitting on a park bench, rip-roaring drunk. "Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was for the Mother Superior's constipation." "It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me, she'll SHIT!!"
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