One of Manderley's comments reminded me of the old saying, "every old sock has an old shoe".
I have no advice to offer. It's all still a mystery to me. All I can say about it is that whenever it happened to me, it was when it was the last thing I expected (probably because I wasn't preoccupied with it at the time).
Especially when one is 32, not very good-looking, still lives at home with mom, has no car, and is painfully shy around attractive women?
None of these things is a problem except for the last one. Lots of people live at home -- even more now than when this thread was originally created, thanks to the economy. Lots of people have no car. But really the only way to deal with the painfully shy business: (1) get out and meet people. Live with the self-consciousness, the mortification, whatever the symptoms of your shyness are. The more you socialize, the easier it'll get. And the more you socialize, the more likely you are not only to meet women compatible with you, but to meet other people who might know women they think you'd get on with. Plus, the more you do, the more interesting a person you are, which makes you a more attractive prospect. In fact, maybe don't even think about "getting a girlfriend". Put it out of your mind, find things you enjoy, meet others who enjoy them. Every romance movie ever'll tell you that you won't find a match as long as you're desperately searching; it's only when you're not looking, and who you're not looking for. (2) Get the word "attractive" out of there. If you're admittedly not very good-looking, then unless you have something else going for you, you're not doing yourself any favors only trying to meet people out of your league. People become more attractive, the more you like them. So don't worry about finding attractive women, just meet people in general. There'll be some whom you wouldn't look at twice at first whom you'll get to know and find very attractive, and some whom you'd give your left nut for at first whom you won't be able to stand once you get to know them. The more people you meet, the better you'll learn how to handle social situations, and the easier it will become to meet new people -- plus the increased confidence will make you a more attractive person.
Mastadge, off-topic here, but even if I don't always agree with you, I find you to be the most thoughtful, energetic, eloquent, open, and articulate members of this board. You put a lot of effort, time, and thought into your posts and responses, and I'm positive I'm not the only one who appreciates it. I admit, I've written long essays on topics here before and received little to no response, to my disappointment -- when I spend that much time and thought crafting a response or point, I hope to hear feedback or opinions. Just wanted to give you feedback on your tireless and detailed participations on this board. Word!
On topic, I'm certainly not one to give advice, but if I had to Mr. Jack, I would say forget everything else and focus solely on working on your self-confidence and positive attitude. All the hard work and effort in this particular goal will not make a bit of difference unless you improve your defeatist attitude. This is not a judgment or a criticism, but I've just noticed many times how easily you give up and how convinced you are that you'll never be happy or succeed in goals you want to achieve. Forget about the mechanics, parameters, rules, games, efforts, opinions, tasks, exercises, disappointments, goals, desires, wishes, hopes, and calculations because none of these will work or come to fruition or make any difference if you don't believe in yourself, have confidence in your abilities, love yourself, and stand by the fact that you are capable of happiness and learn to confident in yourself whether things are going with you or 100% against you. Without a strong foundation of self-confidence and determination, you just can't get very far I'm afraid. This is just my opinion, a little blunt, but I owe it to you as much as you owe it to yourself to be as honest and bare bones as possible.
Now that from-the-heart is out of the way, I have to endorse some tried-and-true cliches, they are well-worn cliches but they are as true as can be and I am fully behind them. For example, anything is possible if you want it bad enough and/or work at it hard enough. Love yourself. Sometimes if you find the make-happiness-happen approach isn't working, you need to open yourself up to the happiness-will-come-to-me-when-it-is-meant-to ideology. Destiny, universe, whatever. And don't give up. If nothing else, don't give up and stop convincing yourself you won't be happy and stop focusing on and hiding behind your insecurities. You make your insecurities, and as much as you might think that society is forming your insecurities, society is largely indifferent to these traits and you give them more power than anyone. Take the power away from your perceived insecurities and your stronger traits and strengths will emerge in their place.
And don´t focus on the things you can´t do but the ones you CAN. All the corny things connected to love are true. And yes, you can. In my experience it also helps when you are not looking and when you don´t know what you´re looking for. I cannot talk about women since I´m gay but love knows no gender in whatever form it comes.
I met my boyfriend on an onlinedating site. For all the years prior I was under the impression that I´d never get to know anyone online. Come on, how could it? He contacted me through my profile and he had some hideous photos inside his profile and some where he looked handsomely dashing. At that time I had experienced some photo tinkering that resulted in a few botched dates when I solely concentrated on the good photos. In reality, most people looked like their worst pictures! And since I was looking for fun only at that time, looks were definitely important. Shallow? Yes, quite.
So I was careful. I wrote that I wanted to meet him, then he sent me another picture of him where he looked like a ghoul out of a horror movie. Result: I was frightened, I thought photoshop helped with the other pics. So I agreed to meet him. My intention was to have a good time if you know what I mean
But the next day I canceled. I was too afraid. Then one Sunday I was bored and... well, horny. So I drove to him (100 km) and when he opened the door it was literally love at first sight. When I saw him I forgot that I had been looking for fun. I was nervous, spoke too much, my hands were sweaty, we were talking about ex-boyfriends... all the things you are normally not supposed to do. But it didn´t matter because he felt and behaved the same. That was almost six years ago... gosh, that long?
So, what does this tell you? Looks aren´t important, well, not that important. The key is that you like a girl, no matter what other people may say. What one likes, mustn´s necessary be the cup of tea for another person. Attractiveness lies completely in the viewer´s eye. Love does happen and it happens when you expect it the least. But you have to take a chance. Don´t be afraid, because all people are more or less unsure about themselves when meeting a person for the first time. They are like you. They may hide it better but they are. Again, you have to take a chance. Listening to Jerry Goldsmith or Henry Mancini all the time won´t help you because they are dead! You have to go out and meet people. Yes, this is hard. Awfully hard. But so rewarding... you can have so much fun if you give yourself a chance.
You asked this question here, this is a first step in my opinion. It takes courage to do that. Now take that courage and get out of here for a few days.
Master Jack don't underestimate yourself. I mean look at flavor flav. that's about the ugliest mofo on this earth and he has no problem getting sushi
a "friend" of mine has a prosthetic right leg due to an accident, and my "friend" has had the same g/f for almost 2 years now, you put too much emphasis on looks, it helps but it aint everything. just make em laugh, and make sure you're not broke and you got em.
or go to college, there are PLENTY of loose women there. at least that's what I heard *cough*
And if all else fails, there's always Russian mail-order brides.
Seriously, I have a friend who met and married a girl from the former Soviet Union about a dozen years ago. They have a son now, and they're two of the happiest people I know. So it CAN work.
The moral of the story: never, ever, ever give up.
Take a listen to this brief podcast http://www.beingjamesbond.com/podcasts/Underground_Episode_008.mp3 from the Being James Bond series. I think he speaks a lot of truth in there, that women are interested in men who are interested in things, who are busy and active and confident.
I think he speaks a lot of truth in there, that women are interested in men who are interested in things, who are busy and active and confident.
Those are extremely attractive qualities, and what drew me to Joshua. I love his sense of humor too! But that's just my preference. I'm one who likes to laugh and joke around a lot.
Have you tried a dating service? You can tailor your preferences based on your needs, likes, and dislikes.
And I know it sounds odd, but the Libraries around here host many different events where you can meet people who share the same interests. E.g. there are mass Video game tournaments, and both sexes attend.
And even if you are shy, quiet and reserved (Joshua leans more toward this in social situations), it doesn't mean you cannot meet people. Even meeting guys is cool, because they can introduce you to their friends that are of the female variety
I learned in a dating seminar that a person meets another for dating purposes* "in a place where they can have prolonged verbal contact."
That means different things for different people. So, where is a place/what is a situation you could have prolonged verbal contact with a woman, and in your case, any woman you'd feel comfortable around? (Getting practice at it makes it easier when you approach the ones that make you nervous.)
Me, I discovered that I can make myself chat up just about anyone, no matter how attractive, if I've got a friend in the room I can go back to, should I "strike out."
And If I'm repeating something that's been said above, it probably means something...
And remember, I have the power to turn you into a Chet Monster!
What IS that thing? It resembles something I felt like when I used to drink, and woke up with hangovers on Sunday mornings. Come to think of it, it looks something I sometimes woke up next to when I used to drink.
